My wedding will be so romantic! It’ll be just like in ‘Cinderella’, where my sisters mutilate themselves to fit into my shoes while I cackle in revenge for my life of domestic drudgery!

Okay, maybe not ‘Cinderella’. Maybe more like ‘The Little Mermaid’, where I’ll meet my perfect handsome prince without anything gory at all. I’ll save him from drowning, fall in love at first sight, end up swept away in his arms as his princess. So sweet! And mermaids are so pretty! Except I won’t get to be a mermaid any more, because I’ll have to drink poison to make myself human and I’ll lose my voice in exchange for having legs and feet and when I walk on them it’ll feel like swords stabbing me with every step, and then the prince will marry someone else anyway and I, in sorrow, will dissolve like foam on the sea.

No, that’s worse.

Maybe more like ‘Sleeping Beauty’, where a total stranger will wake me from my years of sleep with one perfect kiss and we’ll live in harmony forever. Okay, not exactly a conventional way to start out a relationship, but it’ll work out! And it’ll work out even better than it did in the original version, where that wasn’t a kiss she got from the handsome prince if you know what I’m saying and I think you do, and she didn’t wake up, not until after she’d given birth to twins and one of them sucked the splinter out of her finger, and then the handsome prince who was actually a king turned out to already be married and his wife demanded that the children be killed and fed to him – but even that one worked out okay in the end, right?

Right?

On second thoughts, forget the fairy-tale thing.